Daily Teabag

After years dealing with flack for it’s foreign based technical support, Dell decided to just change their name.

A new retiree greeter at Walmart just couldn’t seem to get to work on time. Every day he was 5, 10, 15 minutes late. But he was a good worker, real sharp, so the boss was in a quandary about how to deal with it.

Finally, one day he called him into the office for a talk. “Charley, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic. You do a bang up job, but your being late so often is quite bothersome.”

“Yes, I know boss, and I am working on it.”

“Well good, you are a team player. That’s what I like to hear. It’s odd though, your coming in late. I know you’re retired from the Air Force. What did they say if you came in late there?”

“They said, “Good morning, General.”

1.) Fine : This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

2.) Five Minutes : If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour.
Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

3.) Nothing : This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

4.) Go Ahead : This is a dare, not permission. Don’t Do It!

5.) Loud Sigh : This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)

6.) That’s Okay : This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That’s okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

7.) Thanks : A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you’re welcome.

8.) Whatever : Is a women’s way of saying GO TO HELL!

9.) Don’t worry about it, I got it : Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking “What’s wrong?” For the woman’s response refer to #3.

Are You A Certified Asshole?

Find Out With the Asshole Rating Self-Exam (ARSE)
A 24-Question Self-Exam by Bob Sutton

Find Out With the Asshole Rating Self-Exam (ARSE)

Subject: Tree Hugger

While walking through Golden Gate Park in San Francisco, a man came upon another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree.

Seeing this he inquired, “Just out of curiosity, what the heck are you doing?”

“I’m listening to the music of the tree,” the other man replied.

“You’ve gotta be kiddin’ me.”

“No, would you like to give it a try?”

Understandably curious, the man says, “Well, OK…” So he wrapped his arms around the tree and pressed his ear up against it. With this, the other guy slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, jewelry, car
keys, then stripped him naked and left.

Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy handcuf fed to the tree stark naked, and asked, “What the heck happened to you?” He told the guy the whole terrible story about how he got there. When he
finished telling his story, the other guy shook his head in sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him gently behind the ear and said: “This just ain’t gonna be your day, cupcake…”

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.

Well, for example, the other day I went down town and into a shop. I was only there for about 5 minutes and when I came out there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. I said to him, “Come on, man, how about giving a retired person a break?” He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a “Nazi.” He glared at me and wrote another ticket for having worn tires. So I called him a “doughnut eating Gestapo.”

He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he wrote a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him the more tickets he wrote.

Personally, I didn’t care. I came downtown on the bus, and the car that he was putting the tickets on had a bumper sticker that said “Hillary in ‘08″ I try to have a little fun each day now that I’m retired. It’s important to my health.

1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.

2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.

3. You’ve been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

4. You think a woman who is ‘out of your league’ bowls on a different night.

5. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.

6. Someone in your family died right after saying, ‘Hey, guys, watch this.’

7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

8. Your wife’s hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

9. Your junior prom offered day care.

10. You think the last words of the ‘Star-Spangled Banner’ are ‘Gentlemen, start your engines.’

11. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.

12. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.

13. One of your kids was born on a pool table.

14. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

15. You can’t get married to your sweetheart because there’s a law against it.

16. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

Crawford, Texas – A tragic flood this morning destroyed the personal library of President George W. Bush. The flood began in the presidential bathroom where both of the books were kept.

Both books have been lost. A presidential spokesman said the president was devastated, since he was almost finished coloring the second one.

The White House tried to call FEMA, but there was no answer.

Customer: ‘I’ve been calling 700-1000 for two days and can’t get
through; can you help?’
Operator: ‘Where did you get that number, sir?’
Customer: ‘It’s on the door of your business.’
Operator: ‘Sir, those are the hours that we are open.’

Samsung Electronics
Caller: ‘Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?’
Operator:’I'm sorry, sir, I don’t understand who you are talking about.’
Caller:’On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?’
Operator:’I think it means the telephone plug on the wall.’

RAC Motoring Services
Caller: ‘Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am traveling in Australia?’
Operator: ‘Does the product name give you a clue?’

Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while traveling in Europe): ‘If I register my car in France, and then take it to England, do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?’

Directory Enquiries
Caller: ‘I’d like the number of the Argo Fish Bar, please’
Operator: ‘I’m sorry, there’s no listing. Are you sure that the spelling is correct?’
Caller: ‘Well, it used to be called the Bargo Fish Bar but the ‘B’ fell off.’

This is a very touching story about life, death and friends.

It’s certain to strum your heartstrings and touch your soul.

She’s sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.

A tourist walked into a Brighton antique shop. After looking around for a while, he noticed a very life-like bronze statue of a rat. It had no price tag, but it was so striking that he decided to buy it anyway.

He took it to the owner and said: “How much is this bronze rat?” The owner replied: “It’s £12 for the rat, and £100 for the story.”
The tourist gave the owner his £12 and said: “I’ll just take the rat, you can keep the story.” As he walked off down the street, he noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the sewers and begun following him.

This was a little disconcerting, so he started to walk a little faster, but within a couple of blocks the swarm of rats had grown to hundreds, and they were all squealing and screeching in a very menacing way. He increased his speed and ran on towards the
beach, and as he ran, he looked behind him and saw the rats now numbered in the MILLIONS, and they were running faster and faster.

By now very concerned, he ran to down the pier and threw the bronze rat far out into the water. Amazingly, the millions of real rats jumped into the water after it and were all drowned.

The man walked back to relate all this to the shop owner, who said: “Ah, you’ve come back for the story then?”

“No,” said the tourist. “I came back to see if you’ve got a bronze Muslim.”